a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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