im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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