he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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