Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize