I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
