If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
