One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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