My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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