maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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