Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
