I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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