If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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