he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
