Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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