if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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