is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The air taste purple.
Randomize
