I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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