i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
