I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
