the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
