You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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