I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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