I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
