My first STD was from a foam party
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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