u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
