just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
