How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
