i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
