I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
