i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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