I wish my penis had an off switch
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
