just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
