If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
