Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
