you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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