You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize