So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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