Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
