I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
