Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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