proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
