I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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