im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
