What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
