We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
