I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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