We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i love accidental penises.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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