it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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