I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
