There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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