So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
