Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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