You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
