Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
