3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
